Hi,



I’m Audrey. I’m a 21 year old undergrad who pretends to have it all together. Most people who know me well enough know its BS. I’m a mess. The future scares the crap out of me. I am in the process of applying for Graduate programs, but I am too scared to apply anywhere outside of Florida. I just don’t know how to make the decisions that will decide the rest of my life.

I am the oldest of my parents 3 children. There’s also my sister Tara, 17, and my brother Stevie, 9. He’s getting bigger and I should probably start calling him Steven, but it’s hard to not see him as my baby brother. They are both a pain in the butt sometimes but totally worth it. My parents are amazing. Neither of them went to college so they don’t always get what I’m going through but they support me in every way they can.

I am a lot like my mother- and that doesn’t really bother me. I got her big heart and her inability to finish a thought. My dad pretends to be a hard ass but its all an act. He cares about us all so much. He has always worked incredibly hard to get where he’s at today and provide for us. We never had a ton of money but I never needed anything. Sometimes I worry that they help me out more than they can afford, but I know they would never admit it. Both my parents are proud of me, more than I think I deserve. I’m lucky.

My mom came from a family of 19. I have a ton of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They are my best friends. In fact, I never even really had friends of my own until I was a teenager. I didn’t need any. My family has always surrounded me. Even now, going to school 2 hours away I visit home often. There’s always some party, birthday or barbeque I just HAVE to make it home for. I like it that way. I know they are always there, and it’s comforting. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of who I’ll be without them.

I have an amazing boyfriend of 3 years. We met shortly into our freshman year and have been together ever since. Things aren’t always perfect but he’s my best friend and I’m glad to have had him throughout my college career. I don’t know what is going to happen to us. I don’t know what we are going to do if he gets into his dream Law School in California. I don’t know anything.

I cry a lot. I’ve yet to figure out a better way to handle my emotions so generally I just cry. I had some issues with panic/anxiety attacks in the past and every now and then the old issues sneak up on me again. I fluctuate between total denial and being a complete wreck. I know things will get better but all the unknown is killing me.

Sometimes I think it’s dumb that I am so worried about life. I know there are people who have experienced real problems and to them my life must seem great. Part of me knows I have been ridiculously lucky so far with everything I have in life, but I can’t help how I feel. I guess I am just waiting to get out of this funk.

So… that’s me right now. There’s not much else to say.

Terrified,

Audrey.

This seems really depressing. I'm not always like this I promise. Maybe I will do another after I get through this crazy month. I have lots more happy things to say!

It's ok to be down sometimes, as long as it isn't ALL the time. Hope things look up for you! Daylight is good at a arriving at the right time, it's not always gonna be this gray. You sound like you have many things to be thankful for, a great boyfriend, a wonderful family that loves you, and goals in life you're reaching for. You got this, girl! Don't worry.

Don't worry about being so scared; it's natural. I'm 25 and have a degree, and I'm still scared of what the future holds! We all have funks and things of that nature, and if you are concerned about applying out of state... do you have ana cademic advisor or counselor? Thay're usually very good about having that kind of information to reassure you! You have options, and you have time. :) It's nice to meet you!

Wow! Family of 19?! I thought having 5 brothers and sisters was a lot. LOL I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave all of them. There is absolute comfort in a loving family. :)

Well Audrey, it's nice to meet you. And try not to fret, just cuz you're 21 doesn't mean you have to have your whole life planned out...that's what your 20's are for...exploring different options, stumbling, maybe even falling, but then getting back up, brushing yourself off and moving forward. And the good thing is, you have such a big loving family that you'll always have someone to help you back up....you're very lucky, but then again, you know that.

The one statement that really struck me was..."I guess that’s why I’m so scared of who I’ll be without them" Sweety, I don't think you'll ever be without them, no matter where you are. I wouldn't let fear keep you nailed to the floor but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with making your life right there if that's what you want.... You're still young, if you need to be surrounded by your family at this point in your life, then there's nothing wrong with it. You have plenty of years ahead of you to venture out into the world...don't rush it. Relax and enjoy where you're at and all the people who love you.